


What Could Have Been

by Mai_Blade



Series: the journey back (is not worth it) [2]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!, Naruto
Genre: Abduction, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Biological Warfare, Bugs & Insects, Character Death, Characters are going to die, Do Not Post on Another Website, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Medical Inaccuracies, Minor Character Death, Not a Crossover, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reader Has A Name, Reincarnation, Tags May Change, What-If, and they were runaway trains, because Reader with her biokinesis Quirk is still one raised by Shizu and Daiki, but also kind of is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-29 16:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21412915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mai_Blade/pseuds/Mai_Blade
Summary: If you change something, the end result is rarely the same.[AUs and What Ifs of everything in this series]
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Reader, Reader & Other(s), Sawada Tsunayoshi & Reader
Series: the journey back (is not worth it) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543624
Comments: 11
Kudos: 84





	1. Same Age, Same Village AU (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this particular AU is at least two parts long.
> 
> But first, I need to write one where Reader just burns the world around her so I can stop fantasizing about it.

**Do your thoughts continue and repeat a cycle  
Seed, growth, bloom, and seed again**

**~Richard L. Ratliff **

* * *

**Awakened **

You are four years old when you find a small splotch of blood on the wooden floor in your home. In actuality, it is just the biggest in a small line of red liquid dots in the hallway. You don’t know that it is blood, because you have never seen it before, not even your own because you have never skinned your knees or the heels of your hands. Curious, crouched down near this new thing on the floor, you reached out and touched it with your finger.

Information bloomed in your mind as you ‘saw’ the life in this small red splotch dying due to exposure to the air. Memories of another lifetime slammed into your head and made the world spin around you.  
Falling to the floor with a thud, distantly you heard a door slide open before you were quickly picked up by hands both familiar and strange to you.

It is Pa who has you in his arms, explaining that the red stuff on your hand is called blood, and that it is his. Carrying you to the washroom, he apologized for bleeding on the floor and said he would clean it up as soon as he was done. Silently, you let him wash your hand of his blood and nodded when he asked if you were okay.

As he left to clean the slight mess, you trembled as you remembered that he was not _Dad_. Your father was always ‘Dad’ to you, so who is this man you call ‘Pa’?

Why do you remember a world so different from the one you live in right now? Why, when Ma is dead, do you also remember someone you called Mom?

How is it that you are young again, that you have a different set of parents now even if one is already dead?

You don’t know, and despite your best efforts, you are currently only four and cannot stop yourself from crying.

(_he explains that there is no reason to cry, that his life is not in danger from losing so little blood, and you guilt him into going to the hospital when he clearly came home instead of going there for treatment_)

* * *

**Child **

You don’t remember everything, but the difference between your life now and the life you had then is great enough that you hold your tongue. You don’t tell “Pa” the real reason you cried that day you touched his blood. Neither do you reveal that you now have tremendous potential in your Quirk. 

However, you do try to keep being this ‘Yua’ he keeps calling you. After all, no matter who you were back then, you aren’t that person anymore. You don’t remember how you died, but you have obviously been reborn.

Still, it’s hard to be a child when you remember having one of your own, and one you treated so poorly at that.

(_his daughter changes, but he chalks it up to the introduction of blood and the scare that he might die, the realization that he is every bit as mortal as her mother once was_)

* * *

**Distant **

You grow up pretending to be a normal Aburame child. You welcome the conditioning of concealing your emotions, because it makes it easier to get through the days when you can hide your fear. You have your Quirk back, but you’ve seen what this ninja, or rather, what these _shinobi_ can do. Your fear doubles when you learn of the Torture and Interrogation department, and you retreat further into your Aburame persona.

You don’t have friends because of a combination of your deep mistrust of the people around you and the fact that the insects beneath your skin are too ‘gross’ for your classmates. You share the same year and class as the clan heir, but you are barely acquaintances with Shino.

In this life, you are very much alone.

(_every time you think of revealing your Quirk, you remember a brief time of being locked in a room for that very ability, but this time you don’t think anyone will come open the door_)

* * *

**Graduate **

The year you are eleven, you attempt the graduation exam a year early at Pa’s ‘suggestion’. You are dubious that it was his own request since he seemed content not to push you, so you suspect that the clan elders had a hand in it. After all, if you waited until next year when you had originally intended to first try the graduation exam, then wouldn’t you be in competition with the clan heir? Apparently they can’t have that, but no matter. You follow the ‘suggestion’ in order not to stand out, and to your surprise, you pass.

At the age of eleven, you become a genin for Konohagakure.

(_small future assassin for hire_)

* * *

**Preparation **

In the years between remembering your past life and graduating from the academy, you had experimented with your hive and your Quirk, especially after you had finally been given permission to use chakra. Pa had taught you the usual Aburame jutsu, but behind his back you had used them in conjunction with the new breeds you had developed. After learning what shinobi and kunoichi were and what the career entailed, your biggest concern had been your stopping power in regards to enemies. Pa himself had told you that the Aburame were known for their insect jutsu far more than their taijutsu or genjutsu. If bugs were all you had to stop the people who would try to kill you, then you couldn’t bring yourself to solely rely on the pure kikaichu you were host to.

Your experiments in reshaping your kikaichu had yielded ladybugs with box jellyfish venom, mosquitoes that could deliver diseases, and nano-sized insects that could mimic your healing abilities and yet other nano-sized insects that could devour flesh and looked like a Nara’s moving shadow. You developed your lineup in the privacy of your bedroom whenever you could count on Pa not looking at you.

Tomorrow you meet up with the jonin assigned to your team for a final test on whether or not you can become actual genin or get sent back to the academy. You do not want the shame of getting sent back, so you hope that everything you have is enough to convince him that you are ready to begin your career as a genin.

(_you decide to rely on your kikaichu for misdirection, but the real heavy hitters will be the new yellow ladybugs with paralytic venom because the red ladybugs with box jellyfish venom and the tiny flesh eaters would be overkill for an ally from the village_)

* * *

**High-ranking **

Hatake Kakashi shows up late at the designated meeting spot, same as he was late to the classroom yesterday, and the test he presents is to get two bells from him before the bell goes off at noon. The other two members of your assigned team are both nervous and fired up, so apparently they don’t want to go back to the academy any more than you do.

For civilian-born kids, this probably seems like the final hurdle before reaching the goal they’ve been aiming for since entering the academy. For you, you’d be disappointed and embarrassed to fail, but at this age you could hide it fairly well, at least from those your age. Feeling tense now, you all watched Hatake as he stood across from the three of you.

Then he says to come at him with killing intent.

(_you take that as permission to use the ladybugs and the flesh eaters_)

* * *

**Skill **

The instant he gives the signal, all three of you leap back into the woods around the training field. Having discretely placed female kikaichu upon them both, you could locate the other two members of your team if necessary, but right now you focus more on producing the Carnivores and send them down between the gaps in your sandals and have a thin cloud of them hide behind your shades to help fend off potential genjutsu. The rest you hide in your clothes, ready to deploy at a moment’s notice.

This doesn’t take very long, but in that time Hatake seemingly hasn’t move from the open clearing. However, Pa, while he might not be a jonin, he is more than capable enough of tricking you into attacking an insect clone, so it is not outside the realm of possibility that you are currently looking at a clone of some sort while the real thing is stalking you and your teammates.

On the other hand, Hatake really could just be standing out there, but in case he is…

(_he doesn’t see anything, but his instincts kick in and something tells him to _look_ properly at his surroundings, and it is only because he pays attention that he realizes the shadows in the grass in one direction are slightly thicker and moving towards him_

_and isn’t that interesting_)

* * *

**Dangerous **

When your flesh eaters bite the heels of his feet, Hatake disappears in a puff of smoke, instantly prompting the rest of the flesh eaters still with you to billow out of your clothing into a large sphere that engulfs you. Flinching as they nip at something jumping away from your back, you jerk around to see Hatake now outside the darkish sphere around you and staring at the hand that has had skin stripped away.

You can still sense some of the flesh eaters on him, and then you visibly notice them as Hatake fed chakra into his skin, probably in an attempt to make sure his hand was free of your insects. But, however small they may be and despite their purpose of devouring flesh, at heart they are still chakra eaters, and all that feeding them chakra does is make more of them.

“Well, I suppose I _did_ say to come at me with the intent to kill,” Hatake said mildly, still staring at the tips on his two middle fingers which were now black with ‘shadows’. “Tell me, Aburame-chan. If you actually were trying to kill me, what would this ‘shadow’ on me mean?”

You tried not to swallow nervously at the jonin less than twenty feet away from you.

“If they weren’t ordered to hold back, they would devour your flesh down to your bones, multiplying by the amount of flesh they consume, but in truth sustained by the chakra they steal. If your hand was the only place they were, you could get rid of them by cutting it off before they spread.”

His eye arched and you think that means he’s smiling, but wow, that’s unsettling in this situation.

“I’m rather fond of my hand, Aburame-chan.”

_Don’t make a masturbation pun. No masturbation puns._

“I’d imagine.”

You both stared at each other for a moment as you struggled not to turn red.

“…I’d prefer if you didn’t.”

“Okay.”

(_the Aburame girl seems to call off her ‘shadows’ due to embarrassment alone, and he teaches her lesson number one, ninjutsu, and sends her scurrying from her hiding place with a weakened water bullet_)

* * *

**Failure **

Soaked and irritated, you head off to find the nearest teammate but he’s not interested in working with ‘a creepy Aburame’, which kills any motivation you may have had. In the end, your team fails the test, and then in quick succession fail the second test by ignoring the teammate tied to the pole.

Going home upset beneath your calm face, you mentally rail against the contrary lesson Hatake imparted before condemning you all to the Genin Corps. Why in the world, in a _military dictatorship_, would you put _people_ above the mission? Surely the successful completion of the mission was the most important thing.

When Pa comes home that evening, you tell him you failed your team placement exam and have been regulated to the Genin Corps. He seems unsurprised after hearing who your teacher was, and you learn that Hatake has a reputation for failing every team he tests. If he’s been giving the same test and failing everyone who came before you, at least you aren’t alone in that regard.

Still, you ask Pa what the Genin Corps. is and he explains that is where genin go when they do not have a sensei. He will show you how to report there in the morning, and he advises you to consider forming a three-man cell with other people as that is easier to do prior to the chunin exams, which all genin in the Genin Corps. can take if they meet a certain mission quota. You nod at his explanation, but you think that forming a team will be difficult considering your distant personality.

(_he reports the Aburame girl’s new breed of kikaichu to the Hokage after the other jonin have left, not knowing what he sets in motion_)

* * *

**Scouted **

As expected, finding two other to team up with is difficult. If not for the mandatory number of genin assigned to each mission (which is usually three), then finding anyone to go on missions with would have been even more difficult. As it is, you have a revolving door of teammates so you don’t bother remembering names for longer than any given assigned mission.

You spend just over a month in the Genin Corps. before a man wrapped in bandages approaches you on your way home. He tries to convince you to join his organization, but you don’t like the looks of him. Or rather, you don’t like the secretive, creepy vibe he’s giving off. He gives you three days to consider his offer, but you already know your answer.

It was hard to reconcile Pa as, well, your _father_, because even while you don’t remember his face or his voice, you remembered Dad. For so long it felt like a betrayal to have another father, but you have since grown attached to Aburame Masakazu as your father figure. He is stoic and taciturn, but you know that he cares about you in the little things he does, like leaving notes around and food in the fridge and the way his patience with you seems endless.

Pa means more to you than pursuing power, so you are going to refuse Shimura’s offer.

(_his agents report their findings on the Aburame girl and from that he gleans her answer, so sets about making it so that she _can’t_ refuse_)

* * *

**Forced **

You think you are in the clear when Shimura isn’t waiting for you on the walk home, but you have barely arrived at home when you hear someone call your name. Turning, your stomach sinks at the sight of Shimura and Shibi-sama coming up to your house.

Pa is away on a mission, but both men decline entering your house. They’re not there for pleasantries, and when you firmly tell Shimura your answer, all you get is silence. The fact that Shibi-sama’s brow is furrowed doesn’t bode well, and you try not to sweat. 

Why are they here? You said no! You didn’t want to join Shimura’s organization.

(_the world falls away from beneath your feet when you hear that the Third Hokage himself has authorized taking you from your home_)

* * *

**Taken **

She turns her gaze upon him, but there is nothing Shibi can say to refute what Danzo has said. In truth, Shibi only had Shino because Torune had offered himself in the boy’s place. That is how little power he had before the Hokage and Danzo, and she seems to understand this as his silence dragged on.

Something in Yua-kun seems to break in the way her posture slightly falls. She doesn’t look at him as she follows Shimura at his command. The only thing he can do is watch her leave, knowing that it is unlikely he will ever see her again.

(_he understands that he has unforgivably failed her_)

* * *

**Grudges **

After being blindfolded and led only by sound by Shimura, you are eventually allowed to remove your blindfold. You are in a cavern of some sort, and it disorients you to find yourself underground.

Shimura introduces you to two boys, Fuu and Torune. He says that since your kikaichu are of similar size to Torune’s, he will be your senior in learning the Aburame jutsu (it churns your stomach to realize that you are not the first Aburame to be taken, and you can’t help but wonder how many of your clansmen unknowingly disappeared around you). Both boys are to teach you how to fight and how to act cohesively in a three-man cell.

The first of your fights under Shimura’s watch is against Torune. Taijutsu is not your strong point, so you lose easily. Shimura declares that your lack in that area will be addressed first, as even your Eaters can’t stop someone from killing you in close combat if you can’t defend yourself. There are no breaks, and your first day is spend being beaten around by Torune and Fuu.

You hate them all.

(_the fact that you are finally part of permanent three-man cell does nothing to make you happy_)

* * *

**Lost **

Masakazu finally returns home, but to an empty house. At first he thinks nothing of it, the time being past midday, so his daughter must be out doing D-ranks or some household errand. His world is normal until Shibi-sama knocks at the front door with the worst news.

(_there was an accident and his daughter is dead and already cremated in his absence_)

* * *

**Change **

You are rooming with Fuu and Torune, and one of the first things they tell you is to abandon your shame. You hadn’t wanted them looking while you changed clothes and that had been their response. To hammer the point home, they pointedly folded their arms and _stared_.

You folded your arms and stared right back as you considered your options. You might be able to neutralize them like you once neutralized the five in your memories, but to do it as quickly would take time. Not to mention, you wanted revenge on Shimura for his heavy-handedness, and that would require patience.

Scowling, you turned your back and removed your jacket. You hate every second of changing, and you hate them for staring.

(_she was expressive for an Aburame, especially one at her age_)

* * *

**Sealed **

You get woken up in what you think is the middle of the night by Shimura. His purpose isn’t what you feared for an instant and then hoped for because it would mean his death much sooner than you had anticipated, but instead of forcing himself on you, he simply reached into your mouth with his fingers and made the back of your tongue blaze with pain that lasted less than a minute. He explained the it was a seal to prevent information leaks, and then he was gone. 

Your roommates—teammates, whatever—had gotten up from bed to kneel on the floor in the man’s presence, and now they were getting back into bed. Torune advised you to go back to sleep as you would need your rest, but sleep didn’t come easily.

(_your days are exhausting and you wonder if Pa misses you as much as you miss him_)

* * *

**Plot **

Fuu cuts your hair because long hair is a liability if one doesn’t have the skill to make sure that it isn’t a weakness to be exploited. It’s a roundabout way of telling you that you’re weak, but after being handed your ass on a daily basis, you’ve pretty much accepted that as fact. You have no choice but to improve, but pain is going to be your companion every step of the way.

You and Torune aren’t the only Aburame in Root, much to your continued dismay. An older clan member helps you both hone your Aburame jutsu, though lessons have to be modified for Torune’s special breed. It comes as a surprise to both that you have not only the Eaters, but also the normal kikaichu that most Aburame have. The discovery is reported to Shimura (Danzo-sama, you remind yourself with ire) but his orders are for you to focus on your Eaters.

It is then it hits you who truly is responsible for your current predicament: Hatake Kakashi is the only shinobi who has seen your Eaters before, so it’s only him who could have reported that to the Hokage who then gave his permission to Shimura to take you from your clan and home. You add him to your list of people you want revenge on, and place him just below the Hokage.

Time passes down in the tunnels, and you can’t remember what month it is. You have long since been assigned a codename and that is all anyone calls you. Daily, you remind yourself that you are Aburame Yua and that your father is Aburame Masakazu. Aburame Shibi was the one who gave you up, not Pa. Shibi has lost all respect you once had for him, and if not for Pa then you wouldn’t want anything to do with the clan. You hold on to your name and to the hope that your plan will be successful and that you will see Pa again.

(_from day one, you’ve been planting your Eaters and Shapers on everyone, having them drift through the air and seamlessly slip beneath the skin of everyone you come across, and you know that soon you will be giving your first, and probably only, bid for freedom_)

* * *

**Attack **

If there was anything good about being forced into Root, it is that your skills have sharpened. Your taijutsu is no longer completely hopeless, and your Aburame jutsu have improved under the strict and demanding regime that Pa would never have forced upon you. However, none of that is enough to make you reconsider your desire to see the outside world again.

No one is coming to save you. Shibi has already proven that to you. If you want to see the sky again, you have to fight for yourself.

Thus, the next time _Danzo-sama_ assembled Root for a speech, you strike.

(_they burrow into the spinal column near the neck in order to induce body paralysis, negating the threats of shinobi and kunoichi had when allowed access to their hand signs_

_they multiplied and ate, and then they received the command to consume a man in particular, moving to obey their host_)

* * *

**Free **

You slide down to your knees shaking from head to toe as your Eaters converged on the fallen Shimura. You watched from behind your shades as the man became skinless and kept your eyes locked on him even as the rest of his flesh gave way until only bones and cloth were left.

“Root is headed by Shimura Danzo.”

The seal is gone. Shimura truly is dead.

(_they hear a girl laughing, but only a few of them know who the traitor is_)

* * *

**Empty **

The rest of your fellow Root members are paralyzed from the neck down. Torune and the other Aburame still try to send their hives out to assault you, maybe even kill you, but they are still biological creatures that disappear when they touch your skin, and shedding most of your clothing to help your hive’s battle to protect you means that you win in the end.

Staring over the helpless members of Root, you know that you could make them love you and you alone, but the thought of having to remain wary around them even then tires you out just imagining it. No, there is nothing to motivate you to spare them, but they could still serve a purpose.

Hatake was the one to rat you out, the Hokage was the one who authorized your abduction, and Shibi was the one who didn’t fight to keep you. They are the ones left for you to take revenge on, and then there is the matter of Pa.

Is he still alive? Did he ever look for you? What did Shibi tell him after you had gone?

(_you take forever to kneel there and wonder what to do next with your life_)

* * *

**Departure **

You don’t like the idea of becoming a missing-nin, but at this point, isn’t that all that’s left to you?

Burning at the injustice of it all, you watch over the room strewn with paralyzed shinobi and kunoichi. Occasionally, Torune and the other Aburame will send their insects after you, but their attempts are barely annoyances at this point. Besides, they won’t have the chakra to maintain their hives for much longer, not with the way your Eaters are multiplying. The walls are dark and the floor is thick with just how many Eaters there are. The chakra of your former fellow Root members has given you a swarm you could never have dreamed of creating on your own.

None of them will leave this place alive, so make use of them before that. Making a scant few of them love you is easy enough, and they spill what they know in desperation to make you return their affections. You learn the location of secret documents and scrolls, and of the ways out of this place. When you ask for ideas on how to carry as much as you can out in one trip, one of them mentions sealing scrolls and helpfully points out a member they know who carries one. You make that shinobi love you too, and he tells you how to use it.

In the end, you find the room in question and stare in morbid fascination at all the missions Danzo’s Root has carried out under his orders. You’ve been told that Shimura himself had secrets hidden away from even Root, but your Eaters can fit anywhere. Searching every crevice is possible with them, and in another office you find hidden compartments, but also the traps that are ready to be sprung. Being wary of shinobi and the preference for fire and explosions, you decide that you aren’t that interested in what those hidden scrolls may have written on them.

(_you leave with Aburame scrolls and mission reports sealed in a sealing scroll, and when you emerge into the moonlight above, you stare up at the starry sky for a glorious moment, but having your freedom back doesn’t stop you from sending your swarm forth to nest within every person they can find_)

* * *

**Home **

Charging the Hokage tower in the middle of the night just sounds like suicide, but neither do you want to spend the rest of the night outside, so you decide to head back to the clan compound to see if Pa is there. You will decide on your course of action (_the rest of your life_) based on what you learn about him.

Arriving in front of what was once your front door, though, you hesitate and fidget in place, looking up and down the path as though for a sign. It takes an eternity before you raise your hand and knock, startling yourself at how loud the sound seems to be.

At first, nothing happens, so you knock again, wondering if perhaps he isn’t home. If he isn’t then if he hasn’t changed things up, then you know how to get into the house without setting off the traps. Your half-formed plans aren’t needed though, as the door finally slides open to reveal Pa standing just beyond the doorway.

He visibly stiffens at the sight of you, and your stomach sinks as you think that he must not have expected you back from Root. Perhaps he was okay with giving you up after he’d been told what happened? After all, if it was for the _village_—

“Yua?”

The way he croaks your name cuts off your dark thoughts. You’ve never heard him make a sound like that before. Peering up at him, you nervously fiddled your fingers in front of you.

“U-um… I’m back home?”

It sounds like a question, but you can’t help it. What if he didn’t want you back? What if—

(_she flinches at his embrace, but soon enough she is clinging to him and answering his questions in a stammering voice that sounds as though it is barely holding back tears, and an anger burns fiercely in his gut as he realizes that the clan head **lied** to him_)

* * *

**Again **

He listens to her story and looks over the scrolls she brought back, and he realizes that right now is a crossroads for him, no, for them both. For her, she’d already told him of her revenge, but also how she put it off to come see if her was here, to listen to what his involvement was in her being given to Root. Honestly speaking, he would not have willingly let her go, but like their clan head, he had no power or influence before the Hokage. It pains him to admit that he would have been forced to let her go, every bit as much as Shibi-sama had been.

His daughter looks down at the floor, and Masakazu can’t help but notice the darkness beyond the light of the lamp at the table they’re sitting at. Is it just his imagination, or is the darkness thicker than usual?

“So you wouldn’t have fought to keep me either.”

Her voice is small and cold, carrying condemnation in every syllable. He deserves her disdain, but he wants to talk to her more, to try to make her understand his position, and when she reaches for his hand, he thinks he’ll get that chance.

(_he lives to regret_)

* * *

**Burned **

You lay Masakazu down and sit beside his body and weep bitterly. You had come to care for him as a father, had loved him for what he was, but if he were the type to live and let you go rather than fight and risk his life to keep you, then he was not what you wanted anymore. In truth, you don’t know if Mom and Dad would have risked their lives for the person you used to be, but since they were dead you could imagine that they would. In truth, Masakazu did not live up to the half-remembered memories of the five from that life, those people who put their physical selves between you and danger.

You can remember watching their backs, remember healing them after the danger had gone. They had all gone to great lengths to keep you safe, so it hurts to have your only parent fail to give that much. Maybe it’s egotistical or unrealistic, but unless someone loves you that much, you can’t love them back.

(_you sleep beside him one last time, and when you wake you take one last look at him before you leave that house to never come back_)

* * *

**Imminent **

The leaves of the trees have long passed their bud stage and are still a vibrant green, and Shino is a genin. You see the headband over his forehead from a distance, so you use these two clues to estimate that you have been in Root for somewhere around a year. You are twelve years old now, if that’s the case. That makes Shino twelve years old too.

…Is twelve too young to have one’s father taken from them?

Thinking more about it, you know by now that you never planned to go full-Itachi on your clan, just Shibi himself, but if Shibi had no power before the Hokage to stop someone from taking his own son… you’re mad at him, but you don’t want to punish him for being a victim of the system.

Bah. You’ll see how you feel if you survive dealing with the Hokage and Hatake, if you can even find the latter. Not that you have much faith in being successful in your assassination mission. Well, thinking about it like that, yeah, you might not have much choice except to become a missing-nin if you survive today.

Don’t think about a future you might not have. Focus on seeing the Hokage.

But first, put some Eaters beneath your sandals so they can be deployed as soon as the old man is in range.

(_it takes hours because there are appointments before you, but you wait and wait, because not too far away is the man who authorized your abduction and **you want him dead**_)

* * *

**I was angry with my friend:  
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.  
I was angry with my foe:  
I told it not, my wrath did grow.**

**~William Blake**


	2. You Live (SCaTR AU_KHR: Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Instead of dying in that car crash, you survive.
> 
> You're not exactly happy with getting another life with memories of what you've lost, but you're willing to move forward. One of the things you do is make a decision to do right by someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, not a continuation of the angry!Aburame girl. Instead you get an AU for Striped Carnations and Tea Roses! :D

**Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.**

**~L.M. Montgomery, The Story Girl **

* * *

**Miracle **

When your vision starts fading, you drop the use of your Quirk, expecting to die. Mom will live, you’d had enough time to ensure that, but unfortunately there has never been a time when you could heal yourself, and you have been pierced through, so yes, you think that this is it, that you are going to die again.

(_you’ve been alive twice before, but you’ve died twice before_

_and you fear that after this third time, there will be a fourth, a fifth, a sixth—_)

So naturally, you are surprised to wake up again with Dad by your hospital bed.

Surprised, and grateful that this life isn’t over just yet.

* * *

**Survived **

You are in a children’s hospital. This means that Mom is in a separate hospital, a realization that makes your heart clench. You don’t like being away from her, not being able to see her for yourself. Dad has been sitting alternating visits between you two, and they’ve been waiting for you to wake up. He says that she’ll be so relieved to hear that you’re awake.

(_they’re not your original Mom and Dad, but you love these two anyway, just like you loved Father when you were Kaiya_)

He says that the doctors have said that it was a miracle that Mom’s injuries were nowhere as severe as yours were despite both of you being struck through with the same metal rod. Apparently by some nearly impossible luck, the metal rod _just_ avoided inflicting the worst sort of wounds inside her. Her recovery period is likely to be shorter than yours because of it.

You don’t say anything, just nod tiredly. You know that wasn’t luck. She’d been dying when your Quirk looked at her, struck through several of her organs and bleeding out. You’d done what you could without making it seem totally impossible for her to plausibly survive that, so there were things you left damaged. It’s all fuzzy, but since you seem to be in a public hospital as a patient and not a lab subject, it seems that your rushed work passed muster.

If anything, you’re amazed that _you_ are alive. After all, that same metal rod went straight through you, too.

Everything _aches_, even beneath the drugs in your system. Your abdomen aches the most, and you hate to think of how much pain you would be in if not for the drugs. Thank god for that since there aren’t any medic-nin here.

It’s almost enough to make you wish that you’d died after all, but then Dad’s hand is over yours, large and warm and grounding you to reality.

You are alive.

Oyama Kohaku still lives.

* * *

**Loss **

You wake up in the dead of night, alone despite the occupant in the other bed. There is a curtain separating you from your neighbor, so you have some privacy now that Dad isn’t here and there aren’t any doctors or nurses in the room. There is time now to think of what you are.

You are alive again, after dying as Aburame Kaiya, who in turn lived after you died as… well, the first time. That makes this your third life, and the second in which you remember living another life prior to your current.

_Father._

Kaiya didn’t go back to him. After the getting lost in the war, kidnapped, and blown up, after surviving and going back to him each time… death finally sunk its claws into her. Into you. How long did he wait before he realized that this time there wouldn’t be a miracle?

(_he begged for the miracle to repeat itself, but days stretched into weeks, into months, which bled into years_

_and all the while he slowly died while living_)

You think of him alone in that house in the compound, waiting for you to come back like you always do. You remember the night he came back after you returned to the village after being kidnapped, of the way he told you to look up. That starry sky…

_“It’s beautiful because you are alive.”_

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, wetness blurring your vision. You pray that your voice can cross worlds, that it can be heard somehow. “Father, I’m sorry for not coming home. I’m sorry I didn’t live long enough to at least leave you a grandchild. I’m sorry I let the last of your Kazue die with me.” Closing your eyes made the tears slide down the sides of your face. “Mother, please watch over him. Please, tell him I’m sorry I won’t be there when he arrives where you are.”

Your lips trembled as you choked out a few more words, a truth that made your heart ache.

“Please, tell Father… that I love him.”

_So very much!_

* * *

**Grief **

Eighteen years you’d been Teijo’s daughter. You had loved him nearly that entire time. Sure, there had been reservations—your secrets—but he had earned your love, even after each time the regained memories threatened to make a stranger of him.

(_at four, when the memories weren’t whole, and at sixteen, when Naruto’s words clarified them and brought back faces and names_)

It wasn’t as long as the time you’d had with your first Mom and Dad, but that didn’t make it any easier to come to grips that you;d lost another parent. Kazue barely counted since she’d died before your memories came back the first time, but there was no doubt in your mind that Teijo definitely counted. He had mattered to you.

He still did.

You might be thirteen years old, and in another world, but in getting back your memories it was like you’d seen him just yesterday; that you’d both been alive in the same world together.

(_messy brown hair, rectangular sunglasses, his leaf headband hiding most of his eyebrows, his mouth hidden behind a high collar_)

But now he was beyond reach, as lost to you as your first parents, the same as Shizu and Daiki and the others. You can’t talk to him anymore. You won’t see him again.

A sob breaks the silence, followed by more that you try to muffle.

_Father…!_

* * *

**Regret **

Of course, you don’t tell Dad of what you remember.

Of what you’ve lost.

(_you’d never gotten around to sharing with Father either_)

How could you possibly share that without sounding insane?

And… what made him worthy of a secret you hadn’t shared with Father? To share it with Dad when you hadn’t told Father… just the thought makes you feel disloyal.

Like a bad daughter.

Surely Father should have been the first you told, if you were going to finally speak of your reincarnation. He’d been waiting for you to speak of the thing on your back; you remember having that impression. You remember asking him to not tell, of asking for his secrecy when you slipped up in his presence.

All your life, he’d kept that secret from the village he was loyal to. He would have hunted you down if you ever dared to become a missing-nin, but he’d kept your secret for years. On the plea of a four-year-old, Father held his silence.

(_he had loved you_)

…You… should have told him.

“Kohaku?”

You shake your head at Dad’s concerned question, but you can’t stop the tears.

In the end, you cry yourself into a massive headache on top of the pain already present.

(_Father, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._)

* * *

**Punishment **

There is less confusion about regaining your memories in this world than you’d at four as Kaiya. Perhaps because you are older and more developed, but you don’t suffer amnesia this time. Well, you can’t remember your last day as Kaiya, perhaps even as much as a few days prior to that, but you remember Father, your team sensei, your teammates Jirou and Arata, and even your replacement Sato (and isn’t that a kick to the crotch). You remember Amano, Shin, and Nishida, all your teachers since you were four. Senju Tsunade, too, but she doesn’t count as much as them. Ah, and Nohara Rin too, with her annoying insistence on trying to get to know you. Then there’s Shino, Torune, Yoji, and Naruto. Even Kaede and Tsubasa, the other two Aburame who used to look after you. Oh, and Michi and Juhi; ugh, and Itachi and his clan, the Uchiha. Umino Iruka, the teacher who reminded you of Katsu.

Oh, Katsu, and Shizu, and Daiki, and Kyoko, and Sora…

…Takara.

There are so many people you’ve lost.

You think of your new Mom and Dad, of your best friend Ichika and your other friends, and of a future with more people who will be important too. Say that you life a long life, and then die… will they just be more the same hurt?

Why are you reincarnating like this? Why are you cursed with memory?

Will it always be this way, being born again, remembering again, dying again, starting the whole cycle over again? For what purpose?

Is this your hell for what you did in your first life? Perhaps for a crime in a life before even that? You don’t know.

All you can do is pray that this time is the last time.

(_it isn’t_)

* * *

**Wiser **

You can’t get back what you’ve lost, you know that. All you can do is move forward as who you are now. You are Oyama Kohaku, the only child of Oyama Natsuhiko and Oyama Ayame. You are female, thirteen years old, and in the first year of middle school.

You do not have chakra. This body isn’t accustomed to training, nor is it a hive (_thank god_). At most, it is capable of getting through gym class without getting horribly winded, but that’s not a great endorsement compared to what you were used to as Kaiya; although, it is more alike to your first body.

This world is more like your first one, in that there is what you consider proper levels of civilization. Seriously, fuck the shinobi world and its wars and especially its dictatorships; in all honesty, you’ll only miss some of the people.

There is a hell of a lot more people than you were used to after being Kaiya, but the technology and advancements were a fair trade off. Granted, it’s not as advanced as in your first life, but it is a vast improvement over the shinobi world. You can hardly wait to access the internet and find out more about this world.

And, most importantly: you have a Quirk in a world without them.

This time you’re not going to be as stupid about it as you had been as Kaiya.

(_…hopefully_)

* * *

**Hair **

Without people with shinobi-levels of observation, it is easy for you to sink into being Kohaku. Well, being bed-ridden helps, despite the high level of suckage, since no one expects anything from you but recovery. Remaining alive is all Dad wants, and probably what Mom wants, so having a change in personality is secondary, if he even notices at all.

After your recovery, your education is probably the most important thing. Still, there is no avoiding missing the rest of first term, not with your injury. You’re probably going to miss the start of second term too, though that will be based on how your recovery develops. The doctor says it will be four to six months, perhaps even longer, before your injury heals. It’s better than being dead, you know, but wow, that’s still a long recovery period. Hopefully your youth works in your favor and shortens it, but only time would tell.

Your friends come to see you, but you don’t blame them for not coming often, or for the fact that they don’t stay long. You’re still in pain, so you don’t exactly want visitors for long stretches of time. Your bedside table is littered in Get Well cards, and you even have a few flowers set in a vase. Ichika, your best friend since fifth grade, cuts her lovely long hair short. When you ask her why, she says she just felt like it.

She continues chattering at you, and says nothing about the way you’re staring up at the ceiling, swallowing and not saying another word.

(_your long hair had been matted with blood and had been cut instead of salvaged, and it wasn’t a limb, but you remembered being so proud of your mane, having memories of your mom brushing and braiding it, of Ichika and you playing with each other’s hair, and then it was just gone, your head lighter, your heart a little sore for its absence_

_and on her second visit your best friend revealed without words that she’d cut hers to match yours, and you find yourself hoping that you two will always be friends_

_she’s not Arata or Jirou, or Torune or Shino, nor is she Shizu or Daiki, or any of the rest_

_but just being Ichika is enough for Kohaku_)

* * *

**Gift **

Tsunayoshi comes to see you in June, and you’re surprised because you kind of forgot about him. He’s always been more of a peripheral entity than a real friend, and suddenly he reminds you of Naruto’s existence in your life as Kaiya. As he hesitates at the door, looking at someone in the hall you can’t see, you decide that it’s time you stopped being such a coward about your tentative connection with him. If you could continue your association with Naruto after being banned from places and verbally abused because of said association then you could damn well talk to Tsunayoshi at school.

Whenever you went back, anyway.

“Mom!”

He whined as he was pushed into the room and basically forced over to your bedside by his mom. You could see a card in one hand, but the other was behind his back.

“Hello, Oyama-chan,” she greeted in a cheerful voice.

“Sawada-san,” you returned, slightly tired but trying for a smile.

“I’m sorry we weren’t here sooner, but my pathetic son didn’t mention your hospitalization at all. I only found out after running into your father at the grocery store.”

She bowed, and her hand on the back of Tsunayoshi’s head made him bow as well.

You remember Mom’s words and make a valiant effort not to call him ‘No-Good’ in your head, but sometimes he makes it difficult. Although, you shouldn’t blame him since you are the one who literally told him that you two weren’t friends. That’s kind of a dick move, no matter the reason, so really, he’s justified in not coming to see you at all.

Wait, did she just call him her ‘pathetic son’ right in front of said son _and_ an audience?

Suddenly you find yourself a lot more grateful for your own mom.

“Sorry, Oyama-chan,” Tsunayoshi muttered. He nervously held out a card. “Uh, ah, for you. From me.”

His face flushed slightly. He’s such a boy sometimes.

“Thank you.”

Nana looked at her son expectantly. “And?”

The flush on his face darkened as he whined quietly, trying to not be heard by you. “_Mom._”

Considering how close he was, you heard him anyway.

She nudged him with her elbow. He stared at her for a few seconds longer, found that she wasn’t budging, and finally brought his other hand forward, shoving it in your direction. 

“Here!”

You blinked slowly, brain stalling slightly at the thing suddenly shoved in your face. It was… a tiny teddy bear? A white one, slightly shiny, with black eyes and a thin red ribbon around its neck; it was rather cute, actually.

Nana beamed happily even as her son refused to meet your eyes. Ah, she probably made him buy it, or bought it herself and made him give it to you. Likely because you were her son’s ‘friend’, and also probably because you were his ‘only’ friend to boot. Tsunayoshi was girl-shy, with you and his mom being the only exceptions you know of.

“Thank you,” you murmured, managing to reach up to take it. The thing was silky to the touch, and yes, definitely cute. A more sincere smile crossed your face. “I love it.”

Tsunayoshi looked like he wanted to sink into the floor (a familiar expression). His mom giggled and took a step back.

“I’ll leave you kids to chat for a few minutes. Tsu-kun, you’d better stay here until I get back.”

He tried to plead with his mom but she was insistent as she left. You watched him as he stared in dismay at the door to freedom, but he didn’t leave. Instead, he eventually turned back to you and nervously shuffled over to sit in a nearby chair.

“Uh… hi?”

* * *

**Forward **

“Hi,” you replied, thumb brushing over the teddy bear still in your grasp.

His eyes stayed glued to the floor.

“Um… I’m sorry I didn’t visit sooner?”

“It’s fine. My other friends came to visit.”

He flinched and hung his head further. Awkward silence reigned for a long moment before he muttered under his breath, repeating a word you’d said.

“’Other’?”

Now or never. If you let this chance slip, you don’t think you’ll muster the courage, mentally mature or not.

“Tsunayoshi-kun, I have been remiss.” You shifted a bit, face warming slightly. “I, uh, I have said more than once that we are not friends. I’ve been… cowardly, since we were small. Almost dying has made me reconsider my stance. So, Tsunayoshi-kun, I ask: can we be friends? Because I would like to be.”

He stared at you as though he’d never seen you before. In a manner of speaking, he hadn’t, not as you were now, awakened by your mother’s blood to have memories and your Quirk. His mouth gaped for a few seconds before he spoke, confusion apparent.

“’Remiss’?”

“…Inconsiderate,” you said, eyelids sliding shut.

Really, _that’s_ what he focused on?

He yelped, “Wait. _Friends?_ You want to be friends?”

You opened your eyes to look at him. “After what I’ve said to your face before, I can understand if you don’t—”

“I do!”

“Shh!”

He flinched at the sound from the other side of the curtain but lowered his voice and repeated himself.

“I do, want to be friends, I mean.”

You grinned slightly. “Even though I’m a girl? You’re not embarrassed?”

He glanced down at the floor again. “Well…”

“Pfft.”

He chanced to look back up at you. “You know…”

Yeah, yeah. He was a boy, you were a girl, cooties, yadda, yadda. Well, no, it probably wasn’t that, more like social anxiety since he was considered a loser at school. Still, getting him to agree was a major step forward.

“Sure, sure,” you murmured back. You smiled a little. “Are we still using family names for now?”

He gripped his hands over his knees and stared hard.

“I… We’ve known each other forever. You saved my life once, I think. So…” His face flushed again, and he seemed to lose the ability to speak.

You finished for him.

“So, we’re on given-name basis, Tsunayoshi-kun?”

His eyes screwed shut as he stammered a reply. “Y-you can call me Tsuna, Kohaku-chan.”

You giggled softly, tired and relieved.

“Okay, Tsuna-kun.”

This time, you will be a better friend to the social pariah who needs one. At least, you’re going to earnestly try.

(_Naruto, I’m sorry I wasn’t better._)

* * *

**Create your own miracles; do what you think you cannot do.**

**~Roy T. Bennett **


End file.
